


The Bucket List

by SimplyUndead



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Angst, Boyfriends, Character Death, Dan has cancer, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, Hospitals, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mentions of Cancer, Sad, Sick Character, Triggers, trigger warning
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-04-16
Updated: 2016-05-10
Packaged: 2018-06-02 12:11:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 8,925
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6565618
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SimplyUndead/pseuds/SimplyUndead
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>he has one year until he's dead. one year until he's six feet under. one year until he's just a memory.</p>
<p>one year to really live.</p>
<p>"what am i going to do?"</p>
<p>"everything."</p>
<p>~~<br/>really slow updates, but definitely will be finished (at some point)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> new story, pal!
> 
> this will be probably more emotional and heartbreaking than the last, but hopefully just as cute and fun to write
> 
> also this chapter is 3k wowza

(snazzy cover I made for this story here: [(:](http://sillyphillylester.tumblr.com/post/143002789348/pretty-neat-cover-i-made-for-the-bucket-list-on))

Dan Howell was squished in the middle of his younger, twelve-year-old brother, Adrian, and his boyfriend of two years, Phil, in the backseat of his father's car. His mother was riding shotgun and there was an anxious air between them.

They were on their way to the hospital and while only being a few minutes away, the time seemed to stretch on for hours.

"I'm sure it's nothing to worry about." James, Dan's father, said, trying to ease the nerves of everyone in the car.

"Yeah, probably just something silly, Daniel," Lucy, Dan's mum, agreed, looking back at her son. She was trying her best to be calm for Dan's sake, but he could hear the worry that tinged the edges of her voice. "Something very easy and fixable."

"Yeah." Dan nodded, his voice cracking when he spoke. Something in his gut told him otherwise, though. Told him that this wasn't going to be easy and fixable and silly. Told him that it was going to be far worse, but for his own, and his family's, sake, he pretended not to be pessimistic for once and agreed.

You see, Dan's legs had been hurting lately. And by lately, he means a good two months or so. At first when his legs flared with a dull ache from the waist down, he blamed it on the way he'd slept. He hadn't found it worth mentioning because it wasn't that painful - more so just uncomfortable- so he didn't. That went on for a good three weeks, but the dull ache started becoming more sharp and apparent.

It was only really in his legs, though. His hips would constantly ache, as would his knees and ankles. By this time, he'd mentioned it to Phil with a witty joke about having arthritis like his grandmother.

And then the pain spread from his joints to the bones attached and suddenly even his femur and his tibia and fibula would ache.

Finally when it got to the point that he was limping and taking hot baths in the morning and evenings to help with the pain, and constantly having a bottle of ibuprofen with him, he told his mother.

She made an appointment and piled the family into the car. She'd even called Phil for moral support.

"It'll be okay." Phil said, his hand reaching to rest on Dan's thigh for comfort.

'You don't know that.' Dan wanted to say, but he couldn't get out the words. He was scared and fragile and his legs hurt and he clung to the idea that everything was fine. He settled on a nod and leaned into Phil's arm.

Dan couldn't understand how everything could be okay or easy or fixable or even silly when his bones would ache so bad he would cry. How is that okay? How would it be okay?

Soon, though, they arrived at the special bone and joint hospital and made their way to the waiting room. Dan was actually limping because his legs hurt so bad and felt so weak. Phil naturally snaked an arm around his boyfriend's waist and helped carry him.

They waited only shortly before a nurse escorted them to their room. The next few hours were a blur of questions and tests and answers that everyone was afraid of hearing. Dr. Palmer had felt Dan's legs after suspecting a bone tumor and it was kind of awkward, but the guy was nice and explained everything as he went. He was calm and collected and comforted Dan when he said that he'd found a mass and would have to do some x-rays.

After a few more tests that Dan didn't understand, a nurse brought him back to his room and sat him down on the bed. His mum, dad, brother, and Phil were sat around him, everyone looking nervous and scared, which matched how Dan felt.

"Call if you need anything, dear." She said and then excused herself, leaving everyone in a state of utter anxiety and nerves. Dan would have to stay until they got all the results back due to the major pain in his legs that he was experiencing. Usually, you're sent home where you have the distractions of every day life to keep your mind occupied, but Dan was stuck here; stuck thinking about the results and endless scenarios, each getting more worse than the last.

The room was deadly silent until James coughed and began to speak.

"Surely it's nothing too bad. Maybe just an infection like Dr. Palmer suggested." He said, and Dan knew that he was trying to comfort him, trying to make things better but the truth was that Dan was seventeen-years-old and he was smart and he couldn't make himself believe the words coming from his father's mouth.

"I'm sorry." Was all that Dan could manage as he sat up in bed, his hospital gown puddled around him. He looked down at his pale legs, his eyes trained of the exact spot where Dr. Palmer had felt the mass. Yeah, it could've been just an infection tumor, but every feeling in Dan's stomach screamed that it was more.

"For what, sweetie? You've done nothing." Lucy spoke up, her voice watery and crackled. It was obvious she'd been crying with nerves.

"I don't think it's just a silly infection." He said, and this time his father nodded, ceasing his comforting downplays of the situation. Dan felt bad that he'd said that, but everyone in the room knew that denying the obvious was not going to help.

Phil, sensing Dan's anxiousness and nerves, scooted closer and reached for his hand. Dan shot him a grateful look, and Phil just nodded.

Hours passed and no one really spoke to amount to anything, maybe an occasional murmur of encouragement or something about the news, which blared quietly from the television mounted to wall. Dan had napped for a bit, mostly just to get away from the worry and tense atmosphere, but the day's events had ended up seeping into his dreams, leaving him restless anyway.

Two more days of this happened. Even when someone would go home for a change of clothes and a shower, Dan was never left alone. And at night, Phil would go home - but would text him until returning the next morning - and Lucy and James would take turns staying the night. Once, Adrian stayed as well and it was better with him. He was younger by almost six years, but they both enjoyed the other's company. Adrian put Dan to ease with his child-like calmness and innocence.

That was on Saturday night, though. Sunday he was forced to stay home with their father because he had school the next day and no matter how much he begged, being cramped in a hospital bed with Dan did not allow for a good night's rest, never mind that he'd be worried sick at home anyway.

Phil had skipped on Monday and spent the day with Dan alone, as both of his parents had day jobs. Of course, they both planned on calling in, but Dan didn't want that. Being in the hospital was expensive, and the last thing they needed was debt at Dan's expense. Lucy and James finally - an begrudgingly - agreed, but only because they knew Dan would be under Phil's watch, so the boys ended up watching anime on Phil's laptop to ease their mind.

Later that night, once everyone was crowded in the small room and the sun had sank below the horizon and Adrian had fell asleep on the couch, head resting against Phil's shoulder, the door squeaked open.

Dr. Palmer walked into the room, a chart in his hand and a sympathetic look etched onto his face. Dan's stomach dropped so low that he sure it would fall out of his toes if he hadn't been wearing socks.

"Hello again, Daniel." Dr. Palmer said with a smile, but it wasn't his genuine, friendly grin, but sad and hollow. Dan bit his lip and swallowed thickly.

"I am terribly sorry to inform you, and your family, of this, Mr. Howell, but the results have came back." He said solemnly. Dan's mother and father asked what they were, but Dan didn't want to know right now.

"Wait." Dan said, and all eyes were on him. Phil placed a hand on his high in comfort, but Dan could hardly notice it.

"What's wrong?" Dr. Palmer asked, eyes scanning his body skeptically.

"If you don't tell me the results right now, then they're both good and bad." Dan said, and despite the situation, he heard Phil chuckle under his breath. Dan did this often, bringing up the theory of Schrödinger's Cat in every circumstance (if I don't taste this pasta, he would say, then it's both delicious and horrible; if we don't go into this store, then it's potentially a fantastic shop, and one that sucks ass). This time, however, Dan just really didn't want to know. He needed a second to catch his breath.

"Excuse me?" Dr. Palmer asked, obviously confused, especially so when everyone else in the room seemed to understand.

"Schrödinger's Cat." Dan said and briefly explained the theory behind it and how the cat was both dead and alive all at once.

"Ah, yes. I've studied this, but it's been years." The doctor said with a chuckle. "You're quite a smart young man."

And for a moment, everything was okay, but also not okay all at once and Dan thinks that he can live like this. Because even with the imminent doom lurking overhead, there was also the chance that everything was normal.

The moment did not last long, however, because moments like those never do. It would be all too perfect and life is not perfect or susceptible to anything even close to perfect.

"The results?" James asked softly.

"Yes," Palmer said, lifting his chart. "The results. The mass that I found on your tibia, well, we were suspicious that it was osteosarcoma, cancer of the bone."

No one dared to breathe.

"After all of those tests, I am sorry to inform that it is indeed osteosarcoma. We also found that the cancer had spread to your lungs."

Dan was shocked. He never thought this could happen to him and even hearing it come out of the doctor's mouth, he still couldn't believe that this was him. It sounded like he was talking about someone else, someone that Dan didn't know and someone that didn't affect him.

"Wh-what? No. You're... You're- no." Lucy said, shaking her head as tears violently streamed down her face.

"I'm sorry, ma'am. Osteosarcoma is rarely hereditary, but it is commonly found in young males."

"How far is it along? Are there treatments?" James asked, obviously being the more calm of the two, but Dan could tell he was only being strong for his family. His father was like that, he would act tough and strong to support his family, but the moment he was behind closed doors, he would fall to the floor and cry. Dan was like this as well, he thought.

"Unfortunately, the cancer is already stage four. It's really hard to tell when you first get cancer, so there's no way to have known. The cancer itself, which originally started in his bones, spread to his lungs as metastasis, or mets."

"What can I do?" Dan finally asked. He still wasn't crying and he still couldn't comprehend that this was happening to him. It all seemed so distant, like a dream - or rather, a nightmare.

"There's chemotherapy and radiation, but this far into it, when you're already eat up with cancer, the most it can do is just prolong the inevitable. Right now, you've got anywhere from six months to nine months. You might get a few extra months with the treatment, but there are side effects of those as well." Dr. Palmer said. His voice was soft and gentle when he spoke to Dan and Dan reckons that's because the man feels sorry for him, but he can't process anything that's being said to him.

"What are the side effect?" James asked.

"Um, fatigue - different severities of it, of course - and hair loss, possibly. Depression, but we have many therapists working here for emotional support. Chemotherapy and radiation can weaken the immune system tremendously. It lowers your white blood cell count and makes the body more susceptible to sickness.

"I could get you a pamphlet or something. It's up to you, Dan. It's whatever you want to do." The last part came out like a question, but Dan couldn't answer it.

He looked at the doctor blankly and said the only thing he could, "I'm tired." He felt like he was in shock, like he couldn't control anything, like a grim reaper was standing at the foot of his bed, which looked an awful lot like Dr. Palmer. And he wasn't ready to go, nowhere near so, but death was breathing on the back of his neck and he couldn't shake it away.

"Yes, of course." The doctor said, nodding. "You must be very wore out. How about you sleep here and we'll talk about treatments tomorrow?"

"Alright." Dan said distantly, still trying to wrap his head around this situation. He was going to die soon. He would be gone. Six feet under. Kicked the bucket.

What would his parents do? His brother? Phil? How would they handle this? How would Dan handle this? He didn't want to die. He had so many plans. He wanted to go to college and do something great and get married and get a dog and have his own apartment. He wanted to live.

He wanted to die old and warm in his bed, not seventeen and eaten up with cancer.

Dr. Palmer left with an unanswered 'good night' to Dan, which was easier said than done. As soon as the door shut, he was bombarded with questions of 'are you okay?' and 'how do you feel?', but Dan couldn't answer them because he didn't know how he felt and obviously he wasn't okay, he was dying.

If the questions weren't enough, his mother was crying and his father was even tearing up and Adrian had jumped at Dan, holding onto him and crying. Of course Dan loved his family, they were very close, his best friends since day one, but he couldn't think. He could breathe, either, and he was probably psyching himself out, but he was sure that he could feel the mets in his lungs.

He pushed his younger brother up, and patted his head, murmuring that it would be okay, and he realized that he sounded like his father - lying and denying the obvious, downplaying the severity of the overall situation - but he couldn't say anything else.

"I think," Dan started softly, coughing a bit to stop his voice from breaking, before looking to his parents. "I think that you both should go home. And take Adrian."

His mother stuttered out a small 'why, dear?' and she was crying again.

"It's really late, mum. We're all tired and the hard hospital couch isn't good for sleeping."

"But, Daniel..." Lucy protested softly, unheard cries of 'how could you want to be alone after this news?' and 'don't you need comfort?' and a thousand other things that Dan knew she wanted to say but couldn't, all left hung in the air.

"I can't breathe, mum." Dan whispered, knowing she'd understand. Many times he'd spoke those exact same words when he needed to think and there was too much going on. He didn't have enough fingers or toes to count the times he'd been found face-down on a patch of carpet, mid-existential crisis, after complaining of the exact same thing.

If Dan couldn't think things through, he'd get to where he felt like his oxygen was being limited and pulled from his lungs and the only remedy being a battle of thought raging in his mind until he figured out whatever he needed.

"Alright. I understand. We'll see you first thing tomorrow?" James said for her, raising up from his chair. Lucy following suit, and Adrian not long after.

"Do you need me to go?" Phil asked, already raising up. Dan shook his head against the idea, and Phil sank back into the couch.

"I love you." Dan called after the trio, after many hugs and kisses and more crying. They echoed him and then left.

Silence filled the hospital room after that for what seemed like eternity, but was only a few minutes in reality.

"Your gown is very flattering." Phil said, anything to break the silence without putting any pressure of the touchy subject.

"If I stand up, you could see my ass." Dan said with a light chuckle. Phil grinned at that.

"Again, very flattering."

And then it happened. The levee broke and emotion surged though him. One second he was laughing at the comment, and then he was crying hysterically, sobs rippling through his chest until he couldn't breathe and he was gasping at the bed sheets as if they would supply him oxygen - only, they didn't - and he cried harder.

Phil was expecting it, honestly. He could read Dan and he understood how he worked - for the most part - and that's why he'd already made his way into the bed with the boy, holding and shushing him.

"What the hell do I do, Phil?" He cried, his knuckles white around the blue sheets. "I can't fix this. No one can."

"Shh." Phil said, despite his own tears streaming down his face into Dan's hair.

"I'm broken, Phil!" Dan screamed into the boy's chest, unable to control his outburst.

"No, you're n-"

"Yes, I am," Dan cried, quieter this time, more sad and less angry. "I'm broken and I'm going to die, Phil."

Phil tensed at this because in all honesty, the latter part was the truth and even the former wasn't all that wrong. Dan was sick, and therefore not normal and whole and well, which was kind of like being broken.

Dan's cries began to simmer down now. He was tired and out of breath and crying took too much energy. Once he'd collected himself and settled to the occasional sniffle and hiccup, he pushed away from his boyfriend.

"I'm scared, Phil." He said, looking up with watery eyes.

Phil wiped at his cheek and said, "So am I."

"I'm scared to die and to be dead and to just end, but I'm more scared for you, Phil, and mum and dad and Adrian. They were already crying. What about when I actually die?"

"You can't help it, Dan. We'll all be torn apart, but we'll be okay after a while. Not that we won't miss you, because I don't know how to live without you, but we'll manage." Phil said, pulling him back into his chest, rubbing from his shoulders to his bum, fingers sometimes touching the bare skin where the ends knotted together, but a gap between.

"I don't want to be sad around them. It'll make it worse." Dan whispered, eyes closed with stress and tiredness and sadness. Phil said something about not bottling his feelings because that wouldn't help anyone, but Dan had already decided to try an stay optimistic around them. He would already be tearing the family apart, at least he could try to make it less painful along the way.

"There's so many things I'll never be able to do now. Even with chemo, I'll have only a year, if that. I feel like I've been cheated out of my own life before I even got to live it. Haven't even got out of high school." By this time, Dan was becoming a calm melancholy. Of course he was sad and depressed and totally lost of all hope, but it took a lot of energy to be enthusiastic about it.

"I know, baby, I know. It's a cruel world we live in." Phil said, not really knowing much else to say.

"What am I going to do?" Dan asked, and it was left hanging around them, unanswered for a while before Phil spoke up.

"Everything." He said brightly, as if he had an idea bustling about.

"What d'you mean?" He asked incredulously, surprised even in his growing sleepy state.

"You're going to do everything you've ever wanted to do and I'm going to make it happen, to the best of my ability." Phil explained quietly, holding him tighter against his chest, almost as if he was scared that if he let go, Dan would he gone. He choked back a cry when he realized that one day, not to far into the future, that would be the case; he would let go and Dan will have slipped through his fingers.

"I love you." Dan replied, already falling into a tired sleep before Phil could answer.

"I love you so much." Phil said, and began to cry.


	2. Number One

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> guess who's back back again

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> idk pal its been a while because after I last updated this I was alike, "let's take a break from writing and READ" so I did. for two weeks. and it was good, man. 
> 
> BUT THEN I WAS LIKE "CRAP CRAP CRAP I HAVEN'T UPDATED IN AGES WHAT" AND I HAD GOTTEN REALLY LAZY AND WASN'T MOTIVATED AT ALL
> 
> so it literally took a week to write this
> 
>  
> 
> BUT GUESS WHAT
> 
>  
> 
> IT'S LIKE 5K+ WORDS
> 
>  
> 
> that's literally more than I've written at once
> 
>  
> 
> also also if anything is medically incorrect, pls bear with me. I've read so many cancer websites, but as I haven't dealt with this, I still don't know the in-and-outs, but I am trying.

The last few weeks have been a blur of hospital visits and medication for Dan. The days smudged together with no real distinction.

He was pulled out of school with the empty promise of returning next year, even though he knew that wouldn't be the case (and they probably knew that too, but optimism is easier than the truth).

Of course, everyone else's life wasn't put on hold like Dan's. His mother and father still had work to do - especially now with the bill for Dan's chemotherapy. Adrian and Phil still had school to attend, despite both of their pleas to be homeschooled or drop out for the year.

Dan didn't think the school would even allow that - the dropping out option - or either of their parents. Just because Dan was dying didn't give enough reason for everyone else to stop living, in Dan's opinion anyway (though both Phil and Adrian would disagree).

With everyone else busy, Dan has had an ample amount of time to think. He's thought about life and death, and how one is coming to an end while the other will soon begin. He's thought about all the people he will hurt because of this. He's thought about the countless unanswered texts and missed calls from his friends just sitting in his phone, waiting for some kind of answer to the questions of "what's happened?" and "are you okay?"

He begged Phil not to tell them, to keep his deathly disease a secret, and he knows that's too much to ask, but Dan is already hurting his family and his boyfriend. He doesn't want to hurt anyone else, especially his closest friends. 

He figured that if he can just disappear from underneath their noses, they'll never have to mourn him. They'll be confused for a while, but as Dan's year dwindles down to days, they'll have forgotten. They won't have to hurt.

A knock on the door startled him out of his thoughts. He called for them - whoever it was - to come in, pulling his blanket tighter around his body.

To Dan's surprise, it wasn't Dr. Palmer or Mrs. Madeline, one of the therapists on hand at the cancer treatment facility (she was Dan's favorite and she always gave him lollipops), or even one of the nurses that he's gotten quite familiar with. It was Phil who walked through the door, a small vase of lavender carnations in his hand and a backpack strapped on his shoulders.

"Hey, Phil." Dan said, running his fingers through his wavey hair, pulling at it in vain to make it straight. "Wasn't expecting you."

"It's fine," Phil said, walking over, placing the vase on the bedside table, and grabbing the boy's hands from his hair, kissing him in the process.

"It's still early. Shouldn't you be at school?" He asked, a scolding tone already seeping into his voice.

"I left early," He stated, and opened his mouth to elaborate, before being cut off.

"Phil," Dan groaned, running a hand down his face. "I've told you before. I don't want you failing because of me. I'm not wor-"

"If you would let me finish." Phil cut, before pausing, looking at Dan who sighed and nodded. "I've gotten all of my work for the rest of the week. I'll finish it before Monday and have it turned in. I'm far from failing."

"I know you're very smart, but I don't want to cause you to do poorly." He admitted, shoulders falling.

"If something had to be the cause, I'd want it to be you." Phil said in an over-dramatic way, saying it like some guy from a romantic movie.

"Oh, shut up." Dan griped, but he couldn't help the smile that spread across his lips.

Silence overtook them, and it was as if they finally realized where they were and why they were here. A certain melancholy filled the air as Phil's eyes trailed from the needle in Dan's arm, up the tubing, to the plastic baggie that held the medicine dripping into his boyfriend's veins.

Dan shifted uncomfortably under Phil's watchful eye. He hated having people see him like this, especially Phil. He was supposed to be pretty for his boyfriend, not sick and dying.

"Stop." He whispered, breaking the silence, but just barely. Tears stung at his eyes, causing him to blink them back rapidly. 

"I'm sorry." Phil said, looking away from Dan's arm and up to his eyes. "How much longer do you have today?"

"Half hour, I think. Today's was a few hours long." He mumbled, fiddling with his gown.

"Okay." Was all the blue-eyed boy could say, and Dan didn't want it to be like this. He didn't want his visits with Phil to be sad and uncomfortable. 

"Thank you for the flowers." Dan said, as by way of changing the subject, and hopefully the atmosphere.

"Oh, you're welcome." Phil said, and he seemed to perk up with every word. "I know that you like purple. And flowers. So yeah, purple flowers."

Dan snickered at him, "Well, they're very pretty."

"Just like you." Came Phil's soft response, shushing all of Dan's unsaid worries about still being beautiful.

"Thank you." He said, wiggling his fingers out toward his boyfriend, asking for his hand, to which Phil complied, holding Dan's hand in his own.

A few minutes passed before Phil spoke up, "Have you talked to them?" 

Dan knew exactly who Phil was talking about, but he really didn't want to have this conversation again, so he feigned innocence and asked, "Talked to who?"

"You know," He said, seeing right through Dan, and honestly, the boy should've expected it. They've been dating for two years, and have been friends for longer.

"I really don't." Dan tried again, but his façade was cut short by a stern look from Phil. He sighed, "Fine. No, I have not talked to them."

"Don't you understand how worried they are? Do you understand how hard it is for me to pretend that nothing has happened?" Phil scolded, and Dan would've complained that his boyfriend has acting like his father, but he realized that maybe he needed the parenting, because Phil never scolded him unless he really needed it.

"I understand, Phil, I do!" He whined. "But, don't you understand that I don't want to hurt them? I'm tired of hurting people, I'm tired of making people cry. Mum can't even hardly look at me without bursting into sobs."

"I get that, Dan. I know you don't want to hurt them, but not knowing is hurting them as well. And don't you agree that they deserve the truth? We've all been friends forever, and they've always been there for you."

"They deserve to know, they do." Dan said, tears spilling from his eyes. "They don't deserve to see their friend die, though."

Phil winced at that, because that was the truth, but Dan didn't deserve to die without friends.

"Danny, I need you to listen to me, okay?" Phil said quietly, and Dan nodded, feeling better with the nickname. He knew that Phil could never be too upset with him if he used that pet name.

"Okay." He agreed, wiping his face from tears before grabbing his boyfriend's hand again.

"Chris, PJ, and Louise all love you, Dan. They love and care for you, and they deserve to be a part of your life until the very end. They deserve to know, even if it will hurt them. And not only do they deserve the truth, but you deserve to have some friends." Phil said, and he broke it down so that Dan couldn't possibly misunderstand.

"Will you tell them with me?" Dan asked, squeezing his boyfriend's hand. Dan thinks that Phil is right; his friends deserve to know what's happening, but he thinks that he really only agreed for Phil. After Dan was gone, Phil was going to need friends to comfort him. He'll need friends that understand.

"I say that we ask them out to breakfast on Saturday for coffee and muffins. We'll tell them then, alright?" Phil suggested, and Dan agreed. For Phil. He texted his friends in a group chat and asked them to breakfast. For Phil. Dan was going to tell them. For Phil.

\---

Miss Claire, an older nurse, who absolutely adored Dan came in a bit later and unhooked the boy from his medicine, putting a cute blue plaster over the inside crease of his elbow where the needle had rested for the last few hours, slowly pumping medicine - that was both a toxin and antibiotic - into his body.

"Thank you, Miss Claire." Dan said politely, as she stood him up and helped him with his clothes. Dr. Palmer had been right when he said that chemotherapy had side effects of weakness and fatigue. Sometimes Dan felt so tired after treatments that he had trouble standing, and the pain in his legs didn't help the matter either. He was glad to still have his hair, though. For now, anyway.

"You're welcome, dear." She said, situating his track pants on his hips. "You won't be back for a week or so because you're on an interval now. You get a week off, but we'll see you soon."

"Alright, Miss Claire. I'll see you then." Dan said with a smile. Miss Claire was one of his favorite nurses that took care of him. She was older than most, but time had aged her like fine wine. She was still very pretty, with emerald green eyes and short, curly brown hair. She treated Dan like a grandson, calling him 'dear' and 'Daniel, honey' and always giving him hugs.

To prove his point, she gave him a big, gentle squeeze and left to do her rounds. 

"She's so nice." Phil said, as soon as the door shut, leaving then alone in the room once again.

"I know. I'm tempted to start calling her 'Grandma Claire.'" Dan joked, but he also kind of meant it. He never really had a grandmother. His mum's parents lived too far away to actually visit frequently, and his father's parents had died before he was born.

"She probably wouldn't mind." Phil had said. "Anyway, do you have to be signed out? Your parents work until the evening."

"I could probably get one of the nurses to sign me out. They like me well enough." Dan joked, though it was true.

\---

One of the nurses had ended up signing for Dan, just like he thought. 

"We can take the bus if you want," Phil suggested as they walked out of the hospital. Dan's mum had brought him this morning on her way to work, and was to pick him up on her way back, but she had agreed when Phil offered.

"I don't have money with me." Dan said, because when he got ready this morning, he only remembered his cell and a charger.

"I don't care to pay, or we can walk if you want the fresh air. It's stuffy in the hospital room." Phil said, and Dan knew that he was only offering to be kind, and while a walk sounded nice, he didn't know if he could make it. It was a fairly short trip, but Dan could feel the ache in his legs and the tiredness weighing his body down.

"That sounds nice." Dan agreed, despite his body screaming for rest. So, Phil nodded, oblivious, and they began walking in the cool February weather. It was warmer than most days, especially for winter, but the cold, brisk air hurt Dan's lungs, and made it hard for him to get in enough oxygen. 

It's the mets, Dan thought, it's the mets, and I can't breathe. 

"Kind of chilly today. Are you cold?" Phil asked absentmindedly. Dan shrugged his shoulders and managed to choke out a "m'fine" in response. He was desperate to hide his symptoms from Phil, at least until they got home. He didn't want to be so out of breath and tired, so he didn't let it show.

"Are you sure you're okay? Your face looks kind of red." Phil asked worriedly, now that he'd looked Dan's way. Dan shrugged this time, focusing on inhaling and exhaling, in and out. 

"Hey, let's stop for a second." Phil said, holding Dan steady with two firm hands on his shoulders. "Are you okay?"

Dan shook his head. Tears were stinging at his eyes, but he didn't know what it was from; lack of oxygen or disappointment in himself for not being able to walk a short distance home. He felt helpless.

"What's wrong?" He asked quickly, eyes flitting all across the boy's body, searching for something out of the norm.

"Can't... breathe," Dan whispered, trying not to panic. Panicking wouldn't help. Panicking would make it worse. Breathe.

"Shit, Dan," Phil said, as if suddenly remembering the mets and the chemo and the cancer. "I'm sorry."

Dan dismissed it and put his hands on his boyfriend's chest, matching his breaths with Phil's steady ones.

"We're too far from a bus stop to go back, but your house is just around the block," Phil paused, taking his backpack off and holding it by the roped handle. "I'll carry you the rest of the way."

Dan would've protested when Phil turned around, back facing him, and sqauted. He would've protested when his body wrapped around Phil's. He would've protested when Phil's hands held his legs steady. He would've protested, but he didn't think he could make it on his own.

\---

Dan and Phil spent the rest of the afternoon watching movies and lazily making out until Adrian returned home from school. He greeted them both with a surprised chant of their name and hugs. 

"Dan, can you make a snack?" The twelve-year-old asked, dropping his backpack on the floor and slipping off his shoes.

"'Course. What d'you want?" The elder brother said, making his way to the kitchen. 

"Popcorn." He heard Adrian yell from the living room. Dan would've scolded him for choosing such an unhealthy snack, but he didn't feel up to it. He wanted to see the boy smile, and honestly, popcorn sounded good.

He smiled as he hears conversation start up between his boyfriend and brother as he put the packet into the microwave and pushed the correct setting. For the first time since the news of his cancer, he felt that things would be alright after he was gone.

Adrian would have Phil, and he knew that Phil would be their for him. Phil did so well with the boy, like they were brothers themselves. And Dan knew it would be okay, but maybe this was a fleeting thought and would be gone tomorrow, replaced with melancholy and hopelessness. In this moment, though, Dan was content.

The microwave beeped, puling Dan from his thoughts. He poured the popcorn into a bowl and traipsed into the lounge.

"Scoot." He said, nodding toward the lack of space between Phil and Adrian. The youngest moved to make room for Dan, who plopped down between the two.

"I say we watch another movie." Phil suggested. And that's what they did until Lucy arrived home, followed by James. 

Dinner was made and Adrian and Dan set the table while Phil got drinks for everyone. They ate and chatted about their days and Dan's next chemo treatment and how he felt and how school is going for Phil and James talked about work and so did Lucy and Adrian told them all a joke about a porcupine that Phil had once told him.

Later, they all played Monopoly and Dan ended up winning, which was no surprise because he took board games way too seriously.

As the sun sank below the horizon and Lucy and James were already asleep, and Adrian was getting a glass of water for bed, Dan and Phil, who decided to stay over, got dressed in their pajams - which consisted of a shirt and their briefs.

"You better get a good night's sleep," Phil said out of nowhere as they crawled into Dan's bed.

"And why's that?" The wavy-haired boy asked, his head hitting the pillow. Phil pulled the duvet around them and snaked his arm over Dan's waist.

"I've got a surprise for you tomorrow." 

"How am I supposed to sleep now?" Dan chuckled, eyes closing despite his previous statement. He was too tired to stay awake with curiosity.

"I love you." Phil mused, placing a kiss gingerly atop the boy's head, but Dan was already falling asleep, a mumbled 'you too' falling quietly from his lips.

\---

Dan rose with the sun the next morning, and despite that being odd (as he normally slept into the early afternoon), he felt good. His legs weren't aching for the time being and he felt happy with Phil beside him all night.

As not to wake his boyfriend, he slowly slid from under his arm and made his way to the bathroom where he ran a warm shower. He peed before grabbing his toothbrush and toothpaste, then stepped into the stream. 

Phil always called him weird for brushing his teeth in the shower, and he couldn't help but laugh as squirted the paste on his brush.

He heard Phil enter the bathroom a few minutes later, and there was some fumbling around before the glass door was sliding open and someone stepped in.

"You're up early," Dan observed stepping out of the flow of water, giving Phil a turn. They'd showered together on multiple occasions before and Dan was grateful that they were so comfortable with one another.

"You weren't in bed," Phil said as by way of explanation, and Dan blushed when Phil laughed at his toothbrush on the shelf. "So weird." He mused.

"Shut up, you." Dan laughed.

"Make me, you." Phil taunted.

"I will, you." He said, grabbing the shampoo, squirting a generous amount into his palm, and pouring the cold liquid onto his raven black hair. Phil gasped at the frigid temperature compared to the warm shower stream.

"You little shit," The blue-eyed boy said, but he laughed and didn't bother getting the other boy back, as Dan had begun massaging the soap into his scalp. 

Dan grinned at Phil as he sighed under the hot stream, washing the shampoo from his hair. He loved moments like these, where it seemed to be only the two of them in the whole world. Like, the Earth was spinning just for them and the sun rose and set every day just to make them smile.

"Stop staring, dork." 

Snapping out of his daze, Dan blushed and crossed his arms over his chest. "You're beautiful," He said as by way of justification. Phil laughed and shook his head, water fliying off of his wet hair.

"Someone's been reading too much 'The Fault in Our Stars.'" 

\---

"Are you ready, Daniel?" Lucy called from outside of his room. "Phil is downstairs waiting."

Phil had left after lunch to get ready for Dan's surprise, whatever that was. Now Dan was fussing over his clothes and hair because apparently his chemo had caused him to lose some weight, or perhaps ist was his lack of appetite. It wasn't an unhealthy amount - yet - but it did cause Dan's clothes to be a bit baggier. It probably wasn't enough for anyone to really notice, but Dan could tell.

"Mum, I need help." Dan called, turning to face his mother once she entered the room. 

"What d'you need, dearie?" She asked.

"What do I wear?" He whined. He'd already changed five times and he was getting tired just from that. 

"Well, honey," She started, walking over to Dan where he was standing in his closet. She rested her hand on his bare back. "Phil isn't too spiffed up, so how about your black jeans..."

Dan pulled one of countless pairs of black jeans from a hanger and pulled them over his underwear.

"Well, it is chilly, so how about your galaxy jumper that grandma got you?" She asked, fingers skimming the colorful fabric.

"Sounds fine, tbh." Dan agreed because he was honestly tired of sifting through his clothes.

"I still don't understand why you use text talk in real conversations," Lucy laughed, tutting as Dan pulled the jumper over his head, careful not to mess up his hair.

"Because I'm cool, mum. That's why," Dan joked, laughing as he followed his mother out of the room because he was about the last person to be called cool.

"You look cute," Phil said as Dan made his way down the staircase.

"Thanks. Mum picked it out." Dan said, shrugging. He looked the other boy over. He had on black jeans as well, black converse, and a white T-shirt with red polka dots. Draped across the arm of the chair was his red jacket.

"Well, I guess we'd better be going." Phil said, and Dan agreed, as it was already getting late. He walked t the door and slipped on his purple vans.

"Don't forget your jacket, honey!" He heard Lucy call from the living room. Hr smiled fondly and with a roll of his eyes, reached for the coat rack. His jacket was exactly like Phil's, expect black, and while he felt a bit dorky to be matching with his boyfriend, he secretly liked it.

"So, what it is that we're doing exactly?" Dan asked as they braved the cool evening air. 

"Well, to start, I was thinking we should grab a bus and eat across town at the pizza parlor." Phil said, and as the other boy didn't have any complaints, that's exactly what they did. 

They arrived at the restaurant a few minutes later, where they were seated, and offered the house special, which they settled on. A conversation soon struck between them, and before long they were both laughing.

"Okay, so," Phil said, pausing to regain himself from Dan's previous joke. "The other day, while you were at the hospital, I met your mum while she was coming home from work."

"Right," Dan nodded, following along.

"Yes, and we got to talking, and I was telling her about my promise to you - the one where I said that you'd do everything you've ever wanted."

"Okay," He drawled, not sure where this was going.

"And, she happened to find this old bucket list that you'd made-"

"Oh, god." Da groaned, already blushing with embarrassment.

"Shush. Now, she said that you'd started this thing when you six or something, so obviously somethings might have changed - as far as what you want to do. But, she did say that some things were more recent." Phil explained.

"Phil, I stopped with that thing when I was fourteen!" He said incredulously. "There is no telling what I've written on there." 

"Some of it is a bit silly, but I still think it'll be fun."

"I don't even remember anything I listed," Dan said, laughing and shaking his head.

"Well, then it will be even more of a surprise, which leads us to," He paused, pulling out a folded paper from his pocket that was no doubt the list. "Number one. Egg someone's house."

Dan snorted at that. 

"Why the hell would I put that on there?" He laughed.

"I'm not quite sure, but you wanted to do it at some point, so why not now?" Phil asked, chuckling as well.

"No, okay, let's do this. I mean, we could go to jail for vandalism, but why not make six-year-old Dan's dream come true?" Dan said, and it sounded more sarcastic than he'd actually meant.

"We don't have to, really, if you think it's stupid," Phil said, sounding almost deflated, and Dan realized that he was really trying here, which kind of made him feel like an ass.

"What? Are you kidding me? I'm actually excited now. We have to." Dan said, completely serious. He grinned as Phil perked up, his shoulders rising and a glint forming in his eyes.

"You're serious?"

"Deadly."

And with that, they formed a plan, ate their pizza, and caught the next bus downtown to Tesco. They strolled down the isles for a bit, waiting for the outside world to be draped in the pitch black of night. 

"Whose house, exactly, are we egging?" Dan asked, as they made their way to the eggs. Phil stalled just as his hand reached for a carton.

"Shit, I don't know," He paused, thinking. "Is there someone you don't like, or...?"

"Not that I can think of, no." Dan said, biting his lip in concentration.

"Any teachers?" Phil asked, again, and if Dan were a cat, his ears would've perked up.

"Well, there was Mr. Wellington from last year. You remember, don't you? He gave me a bad mark on my essay because he found out that we were gay and you threatened to kick his ass." Dan rambled.

"Oh! Homophobe Wellington. How could I forget?" Phil asked, laughing at memories of their former teacher visibly gagging when they held hands or kissed. He would've disliked the man, he really would've, but he was just so ignorant that it was hard to be unamused when remembering him.

"You know what this means, don't you?" Dan asked sinisterly, tapping his fingers together like the villians in cliché horror movies.

"Vendetta?" Phil asked, an evil grin spreading across his lips.

"Vendetta!" Dan yelled in agreement, grabbing two carton of eggs and shoving them in the basket.

\---

"I feel very badass," Dan whispered, cowering behind some bushes in front of their target. They had arrived at Mr. Wellington's house a few minutes ago, a carton of eggs placed in their hands as they squatted.

"Oh, we're basically criminals," Phil agreed, keeping his voice low and quiet. Masked by the night, Phil felt invincible. He felt like he could escape into the darkness with Dan at his side, all of their worries left far behind. He felt like he could somehow escape the cancer and the sorrow looming ahead, but he knew that was just foolish thinking and the night's deceitful illusion. He knew that once the sun rose over the horizon, day would shine light on the realities of life, and the sad truth it holds.

"Partners in crime," Dan confirmed, a grin on his lips as he stood, arm raised and egg in hand like a grenade and he had just pulled the pin.

"Go, go, go!" Phil whisper-yelled. And suddenly, all kinds of chicken fetus hell was let loose. Dan's egg smacked against the hard bricks of the teacher's house, and then they were showering egg after egg at Mr. Wellington's home.

After all twenty-four eggs were pelted over the yard, painting the brown-red bricks with a yolky, yellow substance, Dan and Phil dashed with all their might to the bus stop at the end of the block. 

Dan was extremely out of breath, doubled over and hands supporting him on his knees, heaving for air, but a grin spread across his face and washed his features in victory.

"Cannot.... Believe.... We just... Did that..." Dan panted out, hands pressed into his stomach to keep from laughing.

"We are seriously such rebels," Phil agreed, chuckling a little bit as replayed the events. And as lame as that statement sounded, especially with the 'crime' they just committed, he actually meant it.

They caught a night bus back across town and Phil walked Dan through the dark neighborhood to his house, holding his hand the whole way. Dan smiled as their warm breath swirled under the light of the lamppots - which were spaced periodically throughout the crowded subdivision. 

"I had fun," Dan said once they reached his front porch. "More fun than I'd thought at first."

"And they say revenge is never the answer," Phil tutted, making Dan snicker at him.

"It's about a quarter after ten," Dan informed. "Are you staying?"

"As tempting as that sounds," Phil said slowly, backing the boy into the front door as he kissed him. "I should probably get home. I've got school work tomorrow, and I haven't spent the night home in a few days. Mum is probably starting to wonder."

Dan nodded, knowing that Julie, Phil's single mother - who worried about everything - was probably missing him.

"That's cool. Actually, everyone is going to be gone tomorrow, so maybe I could come over to yours?"

"That would be nice, actually. Mum's been missing you." Phil agreed, pecking Dan once before backing off the porch, through the frosted grass, and onto the sidewalk.

"Text me when you get home," Dan reminded, unlocking the door to his house. "I love you!" He quickly yelled, grinning when he heard Phil echo him.

Once inside, Dan quietly tiptoed through the house to the kitchen. His parents were asleep, as work awaited them in the early morning. Dan, however, had noticed Adrian's light from outside. Normally his little brother would be asleep by now on a school night, but he figured that the younger was waiting on Dan's arrival.

Dan popped two pieces of bread into the toaster, pouring a glass of milk while he waited. The toast popped up just as Dan was putting the milk carton up, giving him a miniature heart attack.

He grabbed the jar of nutella from the cupboard and quickly spread the deliciousness over the bread - Adrian's favorite snack. He put the toast on a paper towel and made his way to his little brother's room.

He knocked quietly, and entered upon hearing a whispered "come in." 

"Brought you a snack," Dan said, handing the toast to his brother, and setting the glass on the nightstand. He quickly stripped himself of his jacket, jeans, and shoes, leaving him clad in only his briefs, jumper, and socks.

He climbed into the bed beside his brother, indulging in the second toast as he basked in his brother's body heat - one of the many things he loved about the kid; he was a freaking heater.

"Did you have a good night?" Adrian asked, quietly. Dan nodded, a smile forming on his lips as he recalled the night's events.

"Yeah. We had pizza and then went to Tesco to buy eggs. Don't tell mum, but we totally egged Mr. Wellington's house." Dan recounted in a whisper, being quiet even though their parents were sound asleep downstairs.

"Homophobic Wellington?" Adrian asked, eyebrows furrowed, trying to remember if there was possibly another Mr. Wellington.

"The one and only," Dan laughed, reaching for the milk and gulping down about half of the glass.

"Hey, you pig, hand it over, " Adrian joked, taking the glass from his brother and finishing the rest of the milk. "Anyway, I knew about the egging idea. Phil told me all about the bucket list."

"Did he?" Dan asked, surprised. It always amazed him how close Phil was with Adrian, but warmed his heart as well.

"Yeah," He confirmed. "It's a sweet idea."

"It is," Dan agreed, moving to get up now, bare legs swinging out from under the duvet, shivering as the cold hit him. "Guess I'd better let you sleep, then. You've got school."

Adrian grabbed Dan's elbow, stopping him from leaving. His voice was quiet and barely above a whisper, like he was altogether sad and embarrassed, "Will you stay?"

"Yeah," Dan paused, a grin spreading across his face. He lived for moments like these, where he was close with his family - both physically and mentally. And he realized now that moments like these really were the only thing he was living for - because it's not like he had a future ahead of him. "Of course."

Dan layed back down beside his brother, arm reaching up to flick of Adrian's lamp, surrounding them in total darkness. 

Dan hoped that death was like this - dark and warm and peaceful. He hoped for oblivion. 

"I'm going to miss you," Adrian whispered out, so quietly that Dan almost couldn't hear him, but he did. And what he heard brought tears to his eyes - a scared little boy who was terrified of losing his big brother, who was terrified of being alone.

"I'm not gone yet," Dan said in a watery voice, biting back his tears and pushing them down his throat until the sadness filled his chest. Filled his heart.

"I'm still here," He reassured, pulling his little brother closer into his chest, chin heasting atop Adrian's hair. He added an unspoked "for now" in his head, and he would've scolded himself for being pessimistic if he hadn't been telling the truth.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> FUNNY STORY TO MAKE YOU LAUGH AFTER THIS DEPRESSING CHAPTER:
> 
> my class went on a field trip to our town's museum and the judicial center. You actually have to go through a metal detector before you can get into the center so they ensure that you aren't bringing weapons or something into the court rooms. Anyway, I was walking through and it beeped and I was panicking and the cop took his metal detector wand and scanned me and around my waist was where it went off (bc surprise buddy I wear a belt to keep my jeans from falling down) but I didn't remember that I was seeing one and he started poking my stomach with the wand and was like, "what's this?" And obviously he was asking what was making the detector go off, but in my shock, and pure stupidity, I say, "that's my STOMACH" and my government teacher STARTED LAUGHING AT ME and the cop asked me again and I was like, "I don't know what you mean that is my stom-OH I AM WEARING A BELT FRIEND I AM INNOCENT WHAT" and I started raising my shirt so he could see the belt and I felt super embarrassed but it was cool cause he laughed at me which meant that he didn't think I was a criminal aha
> 
> OKAY LOLZOR
> 
> I'm still a bit unsure about this story but my irl friend (who I make read things) said it was pretty good and stuff, but I'd like to know your thoughts so pls tell me what you think I beg
> 
>  
> 
> ily  
> -shanna

**Author's Note:**

> seriously tell me what you think bc idk about it but I think that I like it but your opinion is what I live for
> 
> I LOVE YOU GUYS x


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